NFL PICKS! Preseason Week Two

As with last week, I am previewing a selection of NFL preseason games; also as with last week, I'm not actually predicting the games' final scores.

Thursday, August 18

Philadelphia (1-0) at Pittsburgh (0-1)
Pennsylvania sports fans will take this way too seriously for a preseason game, leading in no fewer than half a dozen spectators being forcibly removed from the stadium. Additionally, at least one Pittsburgh Steelers defender will take this way too seriously for a preseason game and end either his own career or that of an opponent prematurely.

James Harrison, primed to play in his last game before being suspended for doping, might be the guy who ends a poor Eagle's career. (Getty)

Minnesota (1-0) at Seattle (1-0)
In the fourth rendition of the Percy Harvin Bowl, the Seahawks' live mascot will leave its perch atop the Twelfth Man™ flag and alight upon the helmet horns of the Vikings' live mascot. This will provide the most-tweeted moment of the NFL preseason, and teach Brazilian track and field fans a thing or two about sportsmanship.

And they thought this was cool. Just wait for Thursday night. (Twitter/@BrianTom)

Friday, August 19

NY Jets (1-0) at Washington (0-1)

Just days after Charley Casserly called him the best backup quarterback in the league, Geno Smith will tear three arm muscles attempting a five-yard screen pass in his second snap of the game. I'm sorry, Geno, but I don't make the rules. Take it up with the football gods. Or Joe Namath, who sold his soul to the devil to win Super Bowl III.

Don't cry, Geno. The New York Jets quarterback position has been cursed for almost 50 years. (Grant Halverson/Getty)

Arizona (0-1) at San Diego (0-1)

In this week's edition of "Where In the World Is Joey Bosa?" the distinguished Ohio State product who is demanding millions of dollars despite having never played an NFL down will be visiting Ben Affleck's apartment to try out for the role of Roger Goodell in the upcoming Tom Brady biopic Deflated. Concurrently, Matt Damon will be in San Diego to cast Patriots' week one opponent Carson Palmer in the role instead. Bill Belichick smiles again, knowing that he will now go 4-0 without his golden boy at the helm.

Said Bosa: "I really just wanted to be able to beat a Michigan guy again." (Samantha Hollingshead/The Ohio State Lantern)

Saturday, August 20

Carolina (0-1) at Tennessee (1-0)

The defending NFC champions will take the field in Nashville against a Titans team that has a lot to prove. More importantly, two lunatics in the nosebleed section will try not to make too much of a scene and also not die of the mid-afternoon humidity in Tennessee.

After these guys are done Saturday evening, Nissan Stadium won't have known what hit it. (Facebook/Clayton T. Hurdle)

Baltimore (1-0) at Indianapolis (1-0)

My bold prediction is that the team that came to Indy from Baltimore will win this game; however, preseason picks aren't about winning and losing. So, let's see here....something about the Colts needing a lot of Luck? Or maybe an Edgar Allan Poe-based joke? Come to think of it, there's not all that much appeal in a Ravens-Colts preseason matchup in 2016.

Said Indiana Fever star Tamika Catchings: "If they can stop their preseason game to watch Michael Phelps, you can stop yours to watch me in the gold medal game!" (Kevin Jairaj/USA Today Sports)