As it is still the preseason (and my prognostication game is rough around the edges), I'll begin the revamped series with only a few picks for this week's games. As the preseason progresses I'll cover more and more games. NOTE: Since preseason results don't matter, I take a more light and comical approach to these predictions.
Thursday, August 11
New Orleans at New England
Expect the Patriots to come out flatter than a 2014 AFC Championship football for two reasons. Tom Brady will spend the first half seeking Supreme Court intervention when Bill Belichick benches him after the first series; meanwhile, the rest of the team will take the first quarter off to watch the end of the Olympic rugby sevens final.
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| Said Ebner: "Team GB is going to recruit me for their championship match, Coach. No, not the Packers. Great Britain." (AP photo/Elise Amendola) |
Cleveland at Green Bay
In what will soon become a running gag for the rest of his life, newly minted Hall of Famer Brett Favre will take the first snap of the Packers' first preseason game. The NFL knew of this plan and had become so sick of number four's antics that they intentionally messed up the Hall of Fame Game field so he could not enact this plan on national TV.
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| In a bizarre twist, the Browns will spend the rest of their preseason desperately trying to sign Favre after RGIII throws five interceptions in three series. (Charles LeClaire/USA Today Sports) |
Dallas at Los Angeles
In the first NFL game in L.A. since the mid-nineties, Tony Romo will take the night off to audition for the lead role in the new Affleck/Damon biopic, Deflated. Unfortunately, Romo's past romances with celebrities will not give him enough clout to land the coveted spot as Tom Brady.
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| Romo would've won the role had he only shown up in a Red Sox cap. (AP Photo/Brad Penner) |
Houston at San Francisco
Damon and Affleck will travel to the Bay Area after auditioning Romo and offer JJ Watt the Brady role on the spot. Watt will accept the honor out of shock, completely missing the contractual detail that the mandatory first night of shooting, scheduled for September 22, will interfere with a Week Three contest in Foxboro. Bill Belichick smiles and begins to figure out how to keep Patrick Peterson from playing on opening night.
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| Coming to a theater near you in 2019: JJ Watt as Tom Brady. Coming to a Gillette Stadium near you in 2016: The Texans without their best player, and a Patriots win. (Scott Halleran) |
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