101 Things NOT to do...

Band Trip:  Friday Blog Post
Samford women won this morning, so we'll be hanging in Chattanooga until at least Sunday.  This will be fine, as long as said hanging doesn't include another trip to the good old Hamilton Place mall.  Last time I was there before today, was on some church trip a few years ago.  Mall security stopped a group of us and informed us, for the first time that night, that none of us was allowed to be in the mall without supervision of an adult.  The adult chaperones, until we had informed them of this incident, had no clue that the policy existed.

Fast forward to today.  We spent a mainly enjoyable afternoon in the mall, playing with puppies and haggling with virtual roller coaster ride employees.  However, one incident stood out far above the rest.

In the midst of our venture, the group I was in ascended an escalator.  Yours truly got on a little sooner than everyone else, hence he was some five steps ahead of the rest.  I decided it was best if I descended those five steps, on an upward-moving escalator, to rejoin my group.  About five minutes later, mall security approached us.  "We're going to have to ask you to leave," they said.  Absolutely confused as to what they were talking about, all five of us looked, probably looking completely dumbfounded, as the two security officers explained that I was "playing on the escalator" or some other such business.  I agreed to leave, and Jay offered to go with me, and the officers asked "where are you parked?" to which we responded that we were on a bus with about twenty or thirty others.  They let us go along, reluctantly, but these guys were legitimately going to kick me out of the mall for walking down five steps of an upward-moving escalator.  Thus we have all agreed that mall security at Hamilton Place is a little too uptight.

The rest of our mall adventure was spent stopping every two seconds and determining if our every action was risking our getting thrown out of the mall.  I have decided to compile a list, with a little help from my good friends Jason, Robin, Jay and Chris, of some of 101 wacky ways you might attract mall security.

1. Do not, whatever you do, touch handrails anywhere, on escalators, elevators, or staircases.
2. If you speak louder than a whisper, prepare to be cornered.
3. NO RUNNING.
4. NO SKIPPING.
5. NO POWER WALKING.
6. Don't step on the green tiles.
7. Don't step on the cracks.
8. No acting like a 13 year old escaping a "stalker", when you're clearly at least 17, and the "stalker" is one of your friends.
9. Don't play hide and seek in the shoe store.
10. Don't play freeze tag elsewhere in the mall.
11. If you're in a group, don't just stand.  That's loitering, a big no-no.
12. No finger guns.
13. Don't make any weird shapes with your hands, they can and will be taken as gang symbols.
14. Don't wear any clothing that can stereotype you.
15. Make sure to get everything you need from your food court restaurant that you will need, when you order your food.  Going back for a refill or Parmesan cheese makes you liable to be tased.
16. Do not stand out in anyway, act completely normal.
17. Show no shame in anything that you do, as long as it complies with rule 16.
18. DO NOT make eye contact with mall security.  They WILL ask you to leave immediately.
19. Do not make conversation with mall security officers, unless spoken to first.
20. Do not feed a dog in the pet store paper.  Said dog will get cancer, die, and you will be apprehended for trespassing.
21. No backwards walking.
22. Don't play tag in Barnes and Noble.
23. No cards.  If you are playing cards, they will be confiscated, and you will be banished from Tennessee for life.
24. Don't smile or laugh.  You're automatically up to something if you do so.
25. Texting equals plotting to take down the government.
26. Talking on the phone is equal to an actual terrorist attack.
27. Any sort of joke is uncalled for.
28. Do not ride any of the kiddie rides.
29. Don't stuff five people into a photo booth.
30. Don't touch the pillow pets.
31. If you look over the balcony, you're a sexual predator.
32. Do not look out of the elevator.
33. No strange accents.
34. Five is right out.
35. No physical contact of any kind with others.
36. Do not abruptly stop in your tracks in front of a moving person.
37. Don't get in the way of the train.
38. Don't touch the train.
39. Don't ride the train.
40. Don't jump on the train.
41. Any other action with the train is strictly prohibited.
42. If you walk into Build-A-Bear, you will be considered a pedophile and apprehended.
43. No hats, sunglasses, or wristwatches allowed.
44. Don't injure your elbow on the ceiling while jumping.  Chris Rester did this, and now he only has half an arm.
45. You are not allowed to check the maps.
46. If you are caught mocking any of these rules, or those who enforce them, your punishment will be severe.
47. If you ask for a receipt, you will be stoned.  With actual stones.  Not drugs.
48. No playing with the sound-making books in the bookstore.
49. Do not read the children's books about chickens.
50. Don't sing.
51. Don't dance.
52. No whistling.
53. No humming.
54. Imitation of cows is illegal.
55. In a large group, each person must not pay in twenties when food is less than twenty dollars.
56. Don't use metaphors.
57. Pick up the birds in the pet shop, and you will surely die.
58. Don't jump over the balcony.  Like, seriously, the mall cops will be on you like a freaking spider monkey.  It's that bad.
59. Don't take pictures.
60. No Bon Qui Qui impressions.
61. Using those penny drop things?  Not a good idea.  Mall security will make you leave, and take your money.
62. Do not speak Spanish in the mall.
63. If you walk into Hot Topic in a white shirt, you will look out of place, and thus be out of compliance with rule number 16.
64. Do not look at the Florida shirts in the sports store.  Not only will your eyes burn out of their sockets, you will be dismissed from the mall.
65. Inside jokes are considered bomb threats.
66. Don't say that Osama Bin Laden is working in Auntie Anne's.  One, Hamilton Place doesn't have an Auntie Anne's, two, Osama's in Taco Bell.  Mall Security will immediately take you there to be "disposed of".
67. Do not take more than one free sample from the Chinese place.
68. Multiple toothpicks is an egregious offense.
69. Don't get a massage.  Massages are a sign of rebellion.
70. Don't push open the automatic sliding doors, however slow they're going.
71. Don't wave at the security cameras, which are all over the place.
72. You know, it's probably best not to wave at all.
73. Sears cart in the food court:  HUGE no-no.
74. Sears cart plus child in the food court:  HUGER no-no.
75. If you lose the game, you better not announce it.
76. If you don't announce that you lose the game, you will be breaking the rules of the game, which is not allowed in the mall.
77. Don't get Dr. Pepper stains on your white polo.  You will be escorted from the premises of the mall immediately.
78. Shooting items into a trashcan like a basketball is not allowed.
79. No folding napkins into paper airplanes.
80. No napkin origami, either.
81. Don't Rick Roll anyone.
82. Don't put your money together with others to buy a cookie cake.
83. Never check your wallet while walking.
84. Don't let the rabbit nibble your finger.
85. Do not clap.
86. Do not snap.
87. Do not nap.
88. Do not rap.
89. Do not tap.
90. Do not yap.
91. Do not sap.
92. Do not slap.
93. Ripping of paper is strictly prohibited.
94. Don't play stupid ninja game in the food court.
95. Don't jump in the fountain.  There isn't a fountain, and you'd get a values violation anyway.
96. Don't throw a frisbee in the mall.  Especially around the nonexistent fountain.
97. Do not spam Jay Jasper's Facebook profile, mall security will find you.
98. No flirting whatsoever.
99. Do not yell for another team at the SoCon basketball tournament, especially when your team's not even playing.
100. Standing on the bus is strictly not allowed.
101. Lastly, if you list 101 reasons to get kicked out of the mall, you will be excommunicated from the world, forever.

Wow.  What a list.  I'm surprised I got 101 different things.  Well, tomorrow's blog will come with more adventure from Chattanooga.  Possibly some basketball action, we'll have to see.

Until then,

-Clayton